I finally had time to write a blog about my experience with labor and delivery. Haha time…I NEVER have time to do anything anymore. My life has been consumed with taking care of this tiny human being that is my daughter. And believe me, it’s been HARD. You would think the universe would throw me a fucking bone after I had to go through IVF three times to get pregnant, suffering through a shitty pregnancy for 40 weeks, and experiencing the horror that is labor and delivery. But noooooo. I now have been hashtag blessed with a difficult baby who loves screaming bloody murder at every little thing, who projectile shits on walls, and who can only sleep when she’s being carried. It’s been a nightmare actually, but I guess this is the typical experience parents have with newborns. I don’t know how the hell people have more than one kid…
So as you know, I hated being pregnant. The third trimester was the worst, with the not being able to breathe, peeing every 5 minutes, feet swelling so much that I couldn’t fit any of my shoes, sleeping upright with 5 pillows stuffed in every crevice of my body, aches and pains everywhere, etc. etc. you know the drill. And yes, I was miserable. But oh hoho how naive I was. Pregnancy was cake compared to the shitshow that is labor, delivery, and recovery.
I was induced around 2:00pm on a Monday. Let me tell you, being induced when your cervix is practically closed is NOT FUN. They had to insert a Foley balloon catheter in my uterus. I’m not going to lie, it hurt like a motherfucker. From the moment the balloon was inserted in me, I was in pain the ENTIRE TIME. It was a constant menstrual cramping pain that lasted for hours and hours and hours. And no, there’s no pain medication for that shit! You just have to take it.
So this balloon catheter was supposed to fall out of my vagina after my cervix dilated to 3-4 centimeters after a couple of hours. Yah, that didn’t happen. At around 7:00pm I was finally at 3 cm, but the balloon was still in there. I started having contractions around 12-15 minutes apart and they started me on Pitocin. After a couple more hours, they had to yank the balloon out of my vagina because it wasn’t falling out. So fucking pleasant.
That night around 11:00pm I finally asked for an epidural because I was dying. I was only 4 cm dilated, but my contractions were really frequent and painful. There was no way in hell I was handling the pain any longer.
Thank god the epidural worked like a charm, because I would have shot myself in the brain if I had to endure my contractions. Women who don’t get epidurals…you guys are motherfucking heroic.
However, soon after my epidural was administered, the baby went into distress because my uterus started contracting repeatedly. When nurses and doctors come rushing into your room and put an oxygen mask around your face and not tell you what the hell is happening, it’s kinda fucking scary. They gave me a shot of terbutaline to stop my contractions so that the baby could stabilize. You know, someone should TELL YOU the possible side effects of drugs…because when I started convulsing and uncontrollably shaking, I was like WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING TO ME. Like okaaaay am I dying????
And the only thing they could do for me was give me warm blankets.
I stalled at 5 cm overnight, so around 6:00am the next morning they broke my waterbag and I finally started progressing. At 12 noon I finally hit 10 cm and started pushing. 4 1/2 hours later…baby was still in there. Apparently, the angle of her head and my petite frame made it difficult for her to emerge. Let me tell you, trying to push a watermelon out your vagina for 4 1/2 hours is FUCKING BRUTAL. I was so exhausted that I literally fell asleep in between contractions. My eyes couldn’t even stay open. I also had a mirror in front of me so that I could see when my baby’s head would crown. Of course, all I could really focus on was the growing hemorrhoids that were emerging from my butthole.
Finally, my OBGYN said I had to make a decision to use the vacuum or go straight to a c-section. I decided to use the vacuum to help suction the baby out…which resulted in the complete annihilation of my vagina and butthole. I actually have a video of my delivery. It’s a horror show.
Finally, my daughter was delivered at 4:20pm. I suffered from a third degree tear, which basically means my undercarriage ripped apart a gaping hole from my vagina to my anus. Sonofabitch.
It’s a good thing I had an epidural because I didn’t feel that tear, nor did I feel the stitches, or the giant hemorrhoids that formed while I pushed for 4 1/2 hours.
Fast forward to postpartum recovery…I couldn’t even walk or stand up straight, due to the complete destruction of my vagina and butthole. Blood poured out of me, literally just dripping on the floor. (I still am bleeding to this day). I couldn’t pee on my own, which was the most frustrating thing. I had to be catheterized 4 times in order to pee. My pain was so bad, I was on three different pain pills, including oxycodone…which of course didn’t work at all. Pretty sure I needed morphine or something stronger.
My pain was so bad that I couldn’t even concentrate on my own baby. I didn’t want to hold her and I could barely take care of her because I was so out of it. I couldn’t even establish a bond with her because my pain was so overwhelming. I didn’t even feel like she was my own daughter. Unlike my husband, I did NOT instantly fall in love with my child the moment I saw her. Everyone says you forget the pain and suffering once your child is born. NOPE. NO. I REMEMBER EVERY FUCKING DETAIL.
It took me a few days…but I eventually loved my daughter. It helps that I find her completely adorable and so cute that I want to eat her face off.
After I came home from the hospital, came the second worst experience of my life, postpartum poop. Okay, NO ONE TOLD ME HOW UNBELIEVABLY PAINFUL THIS IS!!! WHY DIDN’T ANYONE FUCKING TELL ME ABOUT THIS?!?!?!?!?! It was like shitting shards of glass out of my butthole. I had to brace myself against the wall, shaking and shivering the whole time, with sweat dripping down my face…and here’s my husband trying to talk to me at the same time. I CAN’T TALK RIGHT NOW I AM FUCKING DYING A SLOW AND PAINFUL DEATH!! CALL 911 BECAUSE I NEED HELP!!!
I seriously wanted to go to the hospital because it was so bad. And let me tell you, no amount of stool softeners will help your first poop after delivery.
It’s been one month since I delivered and I am STILL recovering from my injuries. My doctor said it’ll take months for me to heal. GOODY.
Life with a baby is so terrifying. I am constantly checking to see if she’s still breathing. Every sound she makes, I need to check to make sure she’s not suffocating or choking. And don’t even get me started on breastfeeding. That’s another story in itself. So frustratingly difficult and painful.
Well I, along with my daughter, have survived one month. Here’s to making it to two.