How do I write a blog post that contains one year’s worth of….advice? Experience? Stories from the trenches?? I think I need to write a fucking book at this point. It’s been a year since I’ve written on this…but that goes to show you how LITTLE time I have to myself these days. Zero time. Zilch. Nada. Once you have a baby, there is no you-time. It’s baby time, ALL THE FUCKING DAMN TIME.
You know, some have been asking me, so when are you going to have a second one? Haha. HAHAHAHA. HA. HA. HA. HAAAAAAAAA.
Hell to the hell no fucking no. My daughter is so GD difficult, that I cannot even imagine having a second human child. And knowing my luck…the second one will be worse. And honestly, if I have a worse baby, I’m definitely leaving him or her on the doorstep of the fire station.
So what can I say about my first year being a parent….
Honestly, it’s been the most stressful thing ever. By FAR the hardest job in the world. And of course we’re currently going through a worldwide pandemic, so add that teeny bit to the overwhelming amount of stress of being a new parent. What it really is…is trying keeping your baby alive…and making sure they’re still alive every, oh, 5 seconds?? Are they breathing? What’s that weird sound? Is she eating enough? What’s that bump on her body? Wait, can she breathe? Why isn’t she sleeping? Wait like for reals, is she breathing??! She’s facedown! I can’t see her body moving! [Run in to put your hand over her back to physically check that in fact, yes, she is still breathing.] You know, something like that.
Sigh…and it doesn’t get that much better as they get older. Sure, they sleep a little longer…but once they become mobile, it’s now a game of, “How to stop your baby from committing suicide every chance they get.” Because if you have a child like mine, she puts anything and EVERYTHING into her mouth. I’ve become an expert at vice-like gripping her mouth open and fishing for the random objects that I find in there…with 99.9% being non-edibles. She’s constantly trying to run into the street with oncoming cars, drown herself in the tub/pool, running into sharp corners, hitting her head on hard objects, and not to mention, she’s been sleeping facedown since she’s been 3 months old.
Ever since December 9, 2019, I have had one…ONE…ONE night where I slept for 8 hours. Long gone are those blissful days when I could sleep 9-10 hours straight through. You don’t know how much I miss that. But alas, I have a child who doesn’t sleep through the night 99% of the time. And yes, my child only wants MOMMY when this happens. So it’s MOMMY who wakes up Every. Single. Night. and rocks her back to sleep.
Okay let’s talk about this ‘only mommy mommy’ business. Sure…it can be cute when your baby only wants you and no one else. Cute for 2 seconds. Because when it’s 3:00am and she’s screaming bloody murder, it’s not cute anymore. I spend between 30 minutes – 2 hours rocking her back to sleep every night. While my husband sleeps away.
Oh and let’s talk about husbands/partners/the ones who didn’t birth the babies from the vaginas. Talk about the RESENTMENT. There’s a reason why I bought the book “How Not To Hate Your Husband After Kids.” It’s a real thing folks. Those of you who are brand new or soon-to-be parents…be aware. Kiss those days when you and your partner love each other unconditionally….because you’ll soon be fighting and wishing they were dead. Okay, that’s harsh. Maybe not dead dead…but you know what I mean. It’s just unfair that the one who endures the 9-10-ish months of pregnancy, the horror that is labor and delivery, and the complete annihilation of the vagina/stomach, is the one who is usually handling the late night feedings, early morning wakings, consoling a screaming baby, all on a measly few hours of sleep.
And husbands who say, why should I get up in the middle of the night, you’re the one who breastfeeds…should be shot in the face and dragged 20 miles on razors.
HUSBANDS. THERE ARE A LOT OF THINGS YOU CAN DO WHILE YOUR WIFE BREASTFEEDS. There are so many things you can do to help…you can burp the baby when he/she is done, you can change the baby’s diaper, you can help rock the baby back to sleep, you can get your wife some water or WHATEVER THE FUCK SHE NEEDS AT 2AM. Trust me. There are things you can do. When my baby was newborn, my OBGYN actually told me, you are not doing well, you need to tell your husband that he needs to help you more. Because I wasn’t asking for help. And that’s also the thing ladies. Your husband is going to be completely clueless as to what your needs are, unless you tell him to his face. I find that it is a rarity for husbands to know how to help you during this time. Ask for help. Tell him what to do.
There are going to be so many instances where you want to stab your husband in the motherfucking throat. But you know what, that’s normal.
A baby puts SO MUCH stress on your relationship with each other, and if both of you are not on the same page, there will be some serious fighting. And when I say serious, like I will fucking cut your dick off, divorce you and you will never see our child again kind of fighting.
Just remember that you guys love each other, you love your baby, and you both want the same thing in the end…for this motherfucking baby to sleep. So work together AS A TEAM and help each other out.
This teamwork is extremely important when your nerves are on edge, your patience is wearing thin, and you are on the brink of a rageful breakdown. Do not expect the mother to do housework. To cook. To clean. To do laundry. To wash dishes. Just fucking don’t. Husbands, you do it, and YOU DO IT WITH A FUCKING SMILE. You are not the one who endured any such physical pain. You are not the one who is sacrificing her nipples 347632 times a day, trying to keep your baby fed and healthy. You are not the one waking up the middle of the night. And if your wife lashes out at you for whatever reason…YOU FUCKING TAKE IT SILENTLY. YOU TAKE IT AND EAT IT. Because she has a reason. And that reason is good. (My husband is actually compiling a list of “mean tweets” that come out of my mouth.)
I’m not saying that it’s okay to husband bash…but there is a reason why your wife is lashing out at you. Talk to her. Ask her if she’s okay, if she needs help with something. DO NOT, FOR WHATEVER REASON, SNAP BACK AT HER. YOU KNOW WHAT, DON’T SNAP AT HER AT ALL FOR THE NEXT 5 YEARS. Your wife is tired. She’s been tired the moment she found out she was pregnant. She’s the most tired she’s been in her entire life. Every day it feels like she’s been hit by a bus and run over 50 times. She’s stressed out. She’s hungry because she didn’t have time to eat. She’s (actually literally filthy) because she doesn’t have time to take care of herself. Emotionally, she may be at a breaking point at any moment. It’s hard. Babies are hard. And husbands who don’t help or who give fucking attitude is even harder to deal with.
Grow up, be a fucking husband and a father, and give her your 100%. Because you are not as tired as her.