No God Please No NOOOO

If you have a friend who has been battling infertility, this is for you.

Last month, I received a phone call from my brother, calling to let me know that his wife was pregnant and that they were planning on telling everyone at a family gathering.  I was pleasantly surprised at this notification because it showed that they were being considerate of my feelings.

You need to understand that someone going through fertility treatments may be shooting up hormones into their body like it’s crack cocaine.  An excess amount of hormones could mean physical, mental, and emotional changes could be happening to this person.  Basically…a ticking time-bomb.  You can never anticipate how someone will react to a loved one revealing that they are expecting a child.

I have experienced many people telling me they are pregnant.  And I am always happy for them.  But there are times when my smile is strained, my congratulatory hug stiff, my joyful demeanor…fake.  Hah okay, let’s get one thing straight.  If I ever come across as “joyful,” I’m completely bullshitting you with my best Meryl Streep Academy Award winning act.  But, there was one time, when I completely blew my wad and cried like a fucking baby.  And once the crying starts, it’s very hard to stop.  Let’s just say I made a scene in public and it was embarrassing.

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If you want to be sensitive to your friend’s feelings, let them know beforehand, before you make the announcement to everyone.  Or let them know in private.  Send them a text.  Simple as that.  It may not even be necessary, but it’s a nice gesture and will be appreciated.  Or…don’t let them know and possibly witness a mental breakdown while you’re trying to tell everyone the good news.  Up to you.

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Spit on your neck fantastic

I’m supposed to start my period next week…and I can already feel that crampy feeling creeping up in my uterus.  Well….isn’t that just kick-you-in-the-crotch, spit-on-your-neck fantastic?  I guess that damned psychic I talked to was lying out of her asshole.  She told me I would conceive November or December of last year, or January of this year.  Effing bitch.  That one piece of information was the only shred of hope I had…

Do you find that with every month that passes, the disappointment gets a bit more crushing each time?  This past December was especially disheartening, since I took a pregnancy test on Christmas Day.  We thought maybe the magic of Christmas would somehow produce a positive pregnancy test.  Ho ho ho we are stupid.  And Santa can go eat a dick.

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I really didn’t think I’d be suffering from infertility issues.  Not me.  Not when everyone else in my family was completely normal.  But then again, you never think something will happen to you, until it does.

As my expectations get lower and lower, I’m already assuming that the next three IUI cycles will be unsuccessful and I will have to do IVF.  So now I’m trying to save $10,000.  I’ve been reading some other blogs about infertility, and people actually start Go Fund Me accounts for their IVF.  Seriously?  Isn’t Go Fund Me for people who are dying from terminal illnesses and need money for medical treatments??  But I guess people will go to any lengths to have a child.  I myself, would never ask people for money to fund my IVF.  Come on now, I’d ask for money for my second shoe closet!

All kidding aside…if I hear one more pregnancy announcement, I’m going to blow their brains out.  Kidding kidding.  No, but really, I will.  (Next up: How to tell your fertility-challenged friend that you’re pregnant.)

The blood of my enemies…

Sooo…the internet told me that acupuncture, when used in conjunction with IUI/IVF, can increase conception rates by 26%.  It says acupuncture increases fertility by reducing stress, increasing blood flow to the ovaries and uterus, and balancing the endocrine system.  It also unblocks your qi (chi)…you know, your Chinese life force energy.  I’m Chinese…so what the hell, right?

Have any of you tried acupuncture??  Because whoever the F told me that acupuncture doesn’t hurt, is a fucking liar.  IT’S NOT A PAINLESS PROCEDURE!  They are shoving GD needles all over your body.  During my first session, I felt every single needle inserted into my body – in my head, my face, my arms, my hands, my legs, my feet, and my stomach.  And it doesn’t feel like teeny tiny pricks on the skin.  No no.  In some areas of the body, it downright feels like they’re injecting a 2-inch syringe into you.  Motherfuckers.

If this doesn’t work, I don’t know what will.  I’m already wearing a rock around my neck.  Yes, you heard that right, a fucking rock.  And I have a golden pig next to my bed.  Like wtf right?  Both are meant to promote fertility and child conception…you know, that b.s. psychic energy voodoo shit.  But hey, WHATEVER WORKS.  I will try anything.  So if you know of anything I can do…please let me know.  If I have to sacrifice the blood of my enemies while eating a frog toe, I will.

Pizza bellies

It’s a new year.  New year, new you right?  Or at least, new you for three days, then old fat shit you for the rest of 2017.  Well since we finally got rid of the fucking shittiest year in history…maybe hope and happiness can resume.

Hope.  That’s a nice word.  A word used by happy cheery I work at Disneyland rainbows out my asshole people.  It’s not a word that I use very much since I live my life glass half empty.  And with each failed attempt at creating life inside of me…hope diminishes…little by little by little.  And while everyone around me is getting pregnant…li-ter-al-ly everyone, my uterus remains barren and inhospitable.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy for everyone else who manages to create genetic copies of themselves.  I am, truly.  I’m just not happy for myself.  It’s not you, it’s me….right?  And you know, I don’t really want to complain all the time about my minimal issues…because there are others who are suffering so much more.  But let’s face it, this is a blog…I will lay out all my first world privileged problems.

So yes, obviously, IUI (intrauterine insemination) has not been successful yet.  And lucky me, my GD stubborn body hasn’t absorbed all the excess chick hormones, so now I have cysts forming in my uterus.  So I can’t even continue IUI until the cysts have disappeared.  A common side effect when taking Clomid, but annoying just the same.  Like wtf uterus just fucking cooperate for once.  I will continue with IUI for a few more cycles, but if IVF is the next option, maybe we just sit this one out.  Unless you want to donate $10,000 to me, I can’t afford IVF right now.  And that’s WITH insurance.  HMSA will only cover your first round of IVF…with a co-pay of around $10,000.  After your first round, you’re on your own.  And since I unfortunately did not win the Powerball lottery, I would only consider doing one round of IVF.  After that, it’s kid-lessville from there.  And if the only bump in my belly consists of pizza, it won’t be so bad… considering we’d have all the child-less riches in the world and could be world travelers and get another shoe closet and have dogs as children.

See…I’m already being positive in the new year.