That’s gonna be a NO for me dawg

I’m wondering if the reason why the universe is preventing me from having a baby…is that I am not ready to be a parent.

I almost lost my dog today.  As in…die-dead lost.  I unleashed her at a park, and for whatever reason, she bolted away from me and ran towards the direction of our house.  She proceeded to ignore my screaming commands and sprinted up a busy highway.  Accepting the fact that I would now watch her body explode into pieces as a truck smashes into her at 50 mph, I stopped dead in my tracks and just watched her run.  Luckily, she saw that I was not following her and she turned around and headed back to me.  And yep, this is the second time this happened.

Maybe God sees this kind of shit and says, “Mmm…better not.”


Preeeeetty sure I’m on the pathway to losing a child in a gorilla enclosure.


oh hell no

As I prepare for my 4th round of IUI, all my uncertainties are rising to the surface.  What do I do next?

Being that my uterus is a sick son of a bitch, I again had to wait to begin this round of IUI.  I had 3 cysts growing on my ovaries as a result of taking Femara (the hormone drug).  And this time, I could feel them inside of me.  It’s like having menstrual cramps inside of your ovary.  Not super pleasant.  And it’s getting real annoying that it keeps happening.

At my doctor’s appointment, I ask why I’m having trouble getting pregnant.  I had thought maybe I had PCOS….but come to find out, I don’t.  They really can’t tell why I can’t get pregnant.  Okay what?  So there’s nothing wrong with me, but I can’t get pregnant??  They said maybe the timing with my ovulation is off.  Or maybe my eggs have chromosomal abnormalities so they’re not fertilizing.  It’s hard to say because they can’t SEE what’s going on inside of me.  Mother eff.

I think I have three options at this point.  Start using a more aggressive hormone treatment which are injectable hormones, costing maybe $1200 a shot.  $1200 x 5 days maybe?  Or do IVF ($10,000).  Or switch to a different doctor, possibly re-do all the testing, and get another opinion.  And spend more money on a diagnosis that could be exactly the same.

I don’t fucking know.

At least I know the exact costs of IVF now.  And it actually is a lot cheaper than I thought it was.  In my mind, IVF was like a billion dollars.  But it isn’t.

Cost of IVF without insurance:

The actual procedure:  $13,523.55

Medication:  ~$1000

Testing for chromosomal normalcy:  $6806

Total:  $21,329

My insurance will cover 80% of the $13,523, one time only.  It does not cover medication or testing.  So I may be looking at paying $10,510 for IVF.

But I guess we’ll wait and see if this 4th round is unsuccessful, yet again.  It probably will be because I know my hostile uterus don’t want no baby in there.