Surrogacy, pineapples, and nuclear bombs

So I’ve had four people offer to be my surrogate…FOUR.  Like dude, I have a line forming to take the bullet for me and carry my child for nine months and birth it out their own vaginas.  Wow.  That is such an amazing thing to do for someone.  Especially when I’ve been hearing recently how women are dying during childbirth.  Who knew you could fucking die from your own amniotic fluid?!??!!  And as a surrogate, you would have to undergo IVF…as in all the same shit that I’m doing right now and complain about.  Will you be okay with possibly horrific hormonal reactions?  Will your husband sacrifice his time and be willing to stab you with needles every day?  Will you be okay with having a sore butt for months, unable to even exercise sometimes??  Will you feel guilty if you have a miscarriage?  Do you still want to be a surrogate???

Well to me, surrogacy is a great option, you know, in the case that my demon uterus cannot house a baby.  But can I actually afford it…welllll I’m not a celebrity, so probably NOT.

The overall costs of surrogacy can range from $80,000 – $100,000.  HOLY SATAN’S BUTTHOLE WHAT THE FUCK.  These costs involve doing an IVF cycle (of course), plus fees to the reproductive law attorney, psychological counseling, medical expenses, transportation allowance, lost wages, child care, and other legal and medical costs…even money to cover the surrogate’s maternity clothes and shit.  You’re even supposed to pay for housekeeping if your surrogate is confined to a bed as a result of the pregnancy.  Umm okay no.  I’m sorry but I can’t afford to pay for all of that…as I have my own life to support.

I looked up the financial information for surrogacy in Hawaii:

Surrogate compensation: $25,000

Monthly allowance for mileage, prenatal vitamins, communications: $100/month

Multiples fee: $3000

Invasive medical procedures (like amniocentesis): $500

Embryo transfer fee: $500

Medical screening of surrogate and spouse: $1500-$3000

Psychological screening of surrogate: included in agency fee

IVF procedure: $6000

Attorney fees and court filing fees to establish parentage: $5000

Term life insurance policy of $250,000 for surrogate: $435

Maternity clothing allowance: $500-$750

Escrow Account Management services: $750

Lost wages and childcare in the event of bed rest: hourly rate

Maternity Care Insurance plans: $250/month

Agency fees: $14,000

What the fuck you need escrow for??????!

So uhh maybe not.  Even if I minus out the surrogacy compensation and agency fees.  I will, uhh…pay for your doctor visits but only if you have really good insurance like HMO or the HMSA 90/10 plan.

Yeeeeaaah.  I’m just done after this.


Anyway, onto more realistic things.  I started an Instagram account for my blog!  Feel free to follow me @ivfisabitch

IMG_8385

As I am a newcomer to the IVF social media world, I’ve noticed that everyone uses pineapples as a symbol for infertility.  Is that a thing???  Are pineapples the symbol for infertility?  I heard pomegranates are a Chinese symbol for fertility….do we have the wrong fruit maybe??  Also seriously, people talk in a different language when it comes to their IVF processes.  BFP, Beta, PIO, 7DP3DT.  Like wtf is this Star Wars C-3PO language?!

Well I guess I have to get me some pineapple attire….since I’ve “officially” joined the online infertility world.


But you know what…does all this even matter anyway?  We’re all going to die soon.

giphy3.gif

We’re going to get nuclear bombed by North Korea…so why do I even bother?  Seriously guys, the state of Hawaii has come out with nuclear bomb emergency preparation…which consists of:  You have 15 minutes to get to a safe location which is no where so you’re pretty much DEAD.  GOODBYE.

Good times.  WHY IS TRUMP STILL OUR PRESIDENT FOR FUCK’S SAKE.

Advertisements

Done

You know, I’m getting really tired of this shit.  Fucking seriously.  I’m tired of jumping through hoop after hoop, doing procedure after procedure, because it never seems to end.  Every time I go to the doctor, it just gets worse.  Every. Fucking. Time.  And I’m exhausted.  It’s like, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, but the tunnel keeps getting longer.

giphy

Yesterday, I had a follow-up appointment with my fertility doctor.  He says, I know you’re wondering why IVF didn’t work, and there could be many reasons.  Most likely it was something to do with the embryo and it just wasn’t strong enough to make a baby.  That’s usually the case when implantation failure occurs.  And yes, even though the embryos were genetically tested, that test only counts chromosomes.  It could be other genetic factors, but unfortunately we don’t have the technology to test every single thing.  [Okay, I get it, my embryos are tards.  Can’t do shit about that.]  But then he says, it could also be a uterine issue and inaccurate implantation timing.  We could be putting the egg in at the wrong time.  Most likely it’s NOT that, however there’s a 20% chance it could be.  So he suggests yet another test: an ERA – Endometrial Receptivity Analysis.

If this was a simple blood test, you know I’d be down.  But it’s fucking NOT.

giphy2

An ERA test requires me to go through a FAKE IVF cycle, as in, repeat all the drugs and shots, but not put any eggs in.  And let me just say, an IVF cycle takes 6 weeks.  So I would do a mock IVF cycle, and during the time they would transfer an egg in, they would instead perform an endometrial biopsy.  And what is an endometrial biopsy?  Oh you know, they just shove a tube in your uterus and SUCK PIECES OF YOUR UTERUS OUT.  And is it painful?  HAH.  My doctor explained that I would feel very intense cramping…cause he’s literally ripping out pieces of my uterus lining with a vacuum.  Doesn’t that sound fucking fantastic?!  Oh and it also costs $1000.  Oh and you might have to do it twice.  Oh and there’s a good chance (80%) you’re normal so it’s totally optional and up to you because I’m going to remain ambivalent about it.

giphy3

SONOFABITCH!!!  Is this even worth it?!

When I did the saline sonohysterogram (a similar-ish procedure where they shoot liquid into your uterus) the person administering the procedure used a catheter and scraped the inside of my uterus.  I felt like I was fucking dying.  I experienced what they call a vasovagal reaction.  A vasovagal reaction is sudden dizziness or fainting that can be triggered by pain or trauma.  You may sweat, feel lightheaded, or nauseated, and you may pass out if the reaction continues.  Yes I had all of that thank you.  Obviously my uterus doesn’t like to be violated.

giphy4

So basically…I’m fucked.

Because yes, I’ve decided to do the stupid fucking test.  Even though it could be a complete waste of time and money, I need to know that I tested everything I could.  I’m a hypochondriac by nature, so usually I like to be tested for every disease under the planet.  Why not this one, right?

Because I’m going to fucking die…..

giphy5

Letters to the Editor

On Tuesday we found out the embryo we lost was a boy.  And I could tell my husband was affected by this loss.  So this is a letter to him:

Dear Husband,

Thank you for being so good throughout our infertility journey.  There is no one else on earth I could have done this with.  You are surprisingly good at giving shots…so good that it concerns me if were you a nurse in a past life, or just a serial killer?  Thank you for rearranging your schedule so that you could administer those shots on time, every day.  I feel like I’ve developed so much more trust in you…being that you haven’t severed my veins with a needle yet.  Thank you for being my emotional rock and for never breaking down like I do, because there is no room in the house for two uncontrollable ugly criers… we just need the one.  Thank you for satisfying my emotional-eater syndrome and comforting me with pizza, chocolate cake, chocolate ice cream, and tea bobas.  Thank you for magically reading my mind that one…and I say ONE…time and found me crying in the shower.  I really needed you at that moment.  Thank you for coming to all the important doctor’s appointments and for giving your “donations” in awkward places.  I know, their porn stash needs to be updated to the 2017s.  Thank you for feeling the same hurt as I do, with each loss we have.  We’ve had four failed IUIs and one failed IVF, and the pain gets progressively worse every time.  But we still have one more shot at this…and if it’s unsuccessful then we are fucking booking a trip to Bora Bora.  Thank you for being the optimistic one in this relationship, even though I can see it’s difficult for you to stay positive during these times.  Thank you for being okay with not having kids, even though I know you really want a child prodigy named Iverson Michael Curry James.  And last but not least, thank you in advance for buying me the all white Siberian Husky that I’ve always wanted…because this was the deal if we don’t have kids, right???!?!  [SOMEONE NEEDS TO ADOPT GHOST CAUSE OBVIOUSLY JON IS TOO BUSY FOR HIM.]  Thank you husband for loving me, the most annoyingly neurotic person you know.  I love you too.

Love,

Your Wifey

It didn’t fucking work…

This past Friday I took a blood test, to determine if I was pregnant or not.  To see if the past two years of trying to get pregnant worked.  To see if the past six months of endless hormone drugs, injections, and surgeries worked.  To see if using all my savings and incurring credit card debt worked.  And did it?  No…it Fucking. Did. Not.

giphy

Ten minutes before I was supposed to walk into a work meeting, I get the crushingly disappointing phone call, that sorry, my uterus is still a barren wasteland.  My boss walks into my office, and I burst into tears.  He immediately sends me home, so that I can ugly cry in private I’m sure.  Ugh, so embarrassing.  But, hah, it’s not the first time I’ve cried in front of a boss.

Yes.  Friday was for crying.  Like all day crying.  I mean, I thought this shit would WORK.  But no…it’s more like I just put my money through a shredder and set it on fire.  I know…money isn’t everything.  But really, it IS.  Money is the main reason why we wouldn’t consider repeating IVF over and over again.  It costs your first born child and we’re not millionaires.

giphy

Plus, do I want to continue putting myself through physical pain and discomfort for months??  Having to rearrange your daily schedule and your husband’s daily schedule just so that you can administer medication on time?  Shoving so much pills down your throat that you’re considering getting your liver checked just to make sure it’s not dying?  Having your vagina cough out what looks like toothpaste on the daily?  I know it’s worth it to a lot of people trying to be parents.  But, I don’t think that’s me.  I’m not one of those people whose life goal is to become a mother.  I’m not even a kid person.  I value my freedom, I value my sleep schedule, and I value my financial stability.  Which is why it won’t devastatingly kill me if we don’t have a baby.  Don’t get me wrong, I do want a child of my own.  Why else would I be doing all this shit.  I would love to experience what it’s like being a parent and shopping in the kids section and having a legitimate blood heir.  I would love to see what my genetics could produce.  I would love to buy my baby’s first onesie.  I would love to grow old and have grandchildren to babysit.  But you know, at some point, it’s just not worth it anymore.  And maybe it’s time to quit.

got

I thought about what happened, why it didn’t work.  Did I do something wrong?  Did I accidentally damage my embryo because I used salicylic acid face wash that one time?  Was it because my dog stepped on my stomach?  Was it the piece of ahi sashimi I ate?  Was it the acupuncture needles that went into my stomach?  No.  It wasn’t any of those things.  It was totally out of my control and there was nothing I could have done to get that embryo to attach.  For those of you going through the same thing as I am, don’t blame yourself when your fertility treatments fail.  It’s not your fault.  There is nothing and no one to blame…except god and the universe, fuck you guys.  Nah nah, please get me a baby the second time around.

Yes, we’re going to try again.  One more time.  I have five embryos left, I should try again (even though I’m poor as fuck).  Maybe I should just shove all of them in there?!?!  It’s my last time, so might as well right??  Kidding.  I would fucking die.

I’m hoping the second round of IVF works…but then again, it’s hard to remain positive when the experiences have been bleak.  This will probably be my last round, but I am content to know that at least I tried.  Thank you to everyone for the supportive and encouraging words.  I really appreciate it.  But I’m fine…we’re fine.  Sure my dead baby’s just floating around in my uterus just waiting to be shed with my uterus lining.  But it’s okay.  Because hey, if we don’t end up having kids, we’ll just be that rich couple who travels all the time, sleeps in for 12 hours, and who never has to spend a dime on school tuition.  Hah, sucks to be you guys.

200w