Life is not about the destination…it’s about the journey to get there

I’ve never experienced a miscarriage before.  I’ve never had a D&C – dilation and curettage surgery before (where the cervix is dilated and they go into your uterus to scrape everything out).  I don’t know what it’s like to give birth to a stillborn child.  But I have experienced the loss of a [potential] baby.  And you ask anyone who has suffered from a failed IVF transfer…it’s the same thing.

Pregnancy loss is just that…the loss of a baby.  And even if your 5 day embryo blastocyst had no heartbeat and never physically attached to your uterus, that doesn’t mean we don’t experience the same level of hurt and grief.  And let me remind you, we just lost out on $12,000.  For some, it can be very financially heartbreaking as well.

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For a lot of us, motherhood begins from the very first time you start taking hormone drugs.  Because this is the moment you start doing things for the life of someone else.  Do you think we WANT to shoot up hormones like acid crack cocaine?  No.  We do it in order to support the life of a child.  We literally sacrifice our asses for the benefit of keeping another human being alive.  Which is what parenting is all about, right?  Yes, I don’t know what it’s like to wake up every hour on the hour to feed a baby.  Or change a million diapers at 2:00 in the morning.  But I do know what it’s like to surrender your body and mind to do downright shitty things, just for the sake of a having a child.

So for everyone who already had their nipples fall off due to breastfeeding, just remember that I too, have had physically discomforting and emotionally exhausting things happen as well.  We all share the same pain.  Let’s not compare each other, and instead, support everyone going through the same thing.

Basically, stop being sensitive catty assholes and start being more supportive towards everyone who is just trying to be a parent.

We’re on the same fucking journey.

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The House Always Wins

Last night we watched a documentary on Netflix, called Vegas Baby.  It’s about a fertility clinic in Las Vegas that used to hold a contest to offer one couple/individual a free round of IVF.  It shows the lives and stories of various contestants who suffer from infertility and who are trying to win a free round of IVF.  Basically, it’s depressing sob stories where barely anyone comes out a winner.

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And that is the beauty of in vitro fertilization.

When I go to Las Vegas for vacation, and believe me, I go a lot, I don’t gamble that much.  I don’t play on the tables or pull $5 slots.  I sit on my 25 cent machines and play video poker.  My money lasts for a little while and I have a few small wins here and there.  But every time I go, I always put in my $21 and play the Megabucks.  Why?  Because I want the one in a billion trillion chance that I hit the winning pull and win $25 million.  But the odds are stacked against me, yet I still do it anyway.  Well…all it takes is one pull.

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And that, essentially, is what doing IVF is like.  It’s high stakes gambling baby.  Throwing $12,000, $25,000, or $125,000 at a machine, betting on the 30% chance that you’ll win on the first pull.  30%….30.  That’s all it is.  And with every pull you take, you have the exact same odds at winning….or losing.  There are no small wins here or there.  When you play the game of IVF thrones, you either win, or you lose.

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And as you get older, your odds of winning decrease drastically.  For women between the ages of 35-37, it might be 33-36%, but for women over the age of 40, it’s 13%.

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This is the reality of it.  And it fucking sucks.

Would you put $20,000 in a machine, for the chance at ONE pull, when you have a 30% chance of winning???

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Three is better than none

Today I told my doctor that I want to implant TWO eggs for my next IVF transfer.  This was his EXACT REACTION:

I’m not kidding you.  And I was totally silent after his, “WHYYYYY?” comment.  Why?  WHY???!  Because my fucking uterus remains a barren wasteland you a-hole!!

He then proceeded to tell me, again, the health risks of having multiples and how they probably will be premature and my chances of having twins are 50% and like 3-5% of having triplets and blahblahblahblahblah.  And then he goes, well you know you have uterine fibroids and you have higher chances of miscarriage and not being able to keep a pregnancy.  Say what?  Come again?

This is news to me.  I was not told this before.  I am pretty damn certain that I was told my fibroid tumors would NOT be a factor in my ability to get pregnant.  Due to the location of them and the fact that my fibroids are small, they wouldn’t be much of an issue in getting pregnant.  And now that I express interest in implanting two embryos, NOW he says they’re an issue?!?!?!

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Just put the damn things in.

 

The devil made me do it

This might be a sensitive subject to some…so if you do get offended due to your religious beliefs…then I’m sorry you stumbled across my highly opinionated blog, but please keep your opinions to yourself and let me express mine.  This is my blog beeyotch.  Go write your own.  Or you know what, just don’t read this.

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So my husband and I recently have been watching documentaries about serial killers.  Yup, we love that light-hearted comedy.  Anyway, we watched a documentary about Jeffrey Dahmer, the American serial killer that murdered, dismembered, and ATE 17 men/boys between 1978-1991.  He received like 15 life sentences [I don’t know why people are given more than one life sentence…it’s a LIFE SENTENCE which means TILL YOU DIE] for the crimes committed, and was beaten to death in prison.  Jeffrey Dahmer’s compulsion of keeping things close to him and his fascination with dead bodies and attractive men was what led him to his killing spree.  Yes, he was fucked up royally and pure evil.  But his family was very religious and at the end of his life (in prison), he became a God-fearing man.

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In conclusion, his family believes that because Jeffrey Dahmer, the man who raped, murdered, and motherfucking ate 17 people for no reason at all, became Christian at the end of his life, he is now living/existing in heaven.

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Nope.  Nope.  No no no nononono.  Hell no.

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I’m sorry, but I find it hard to believe that a man who liked killing and eating people now resides in the heavenly skies above us for all of eternity.  JUST BECAUSE he “became” a Christian.  Now this is why I don’t understand religion at all.  Motherfucking common sense tells you that you do not reward someone for going on a murder spree!!  Even though you are sorry about it afterwards.  And yes, Jeffrey Dahmer did apologize for his actions, but he said even Christianity would not have stopped him from murdering again.  He would have continued to kill people till the day he died if he was not forcefully IMPRISONED in jail.  And you tell me, this man is in heaven???  Bull fucking shit.  Not in MY heaven.

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And I know some of you believe that I, a generally wholesome good person who has not murdered or eaten a human being, will go to Hell when I die, because I don’t identify myself as a Christian and go to church.  Well you know what, when I get there, I will personally form an alliance with Lucifer and drag Jeffrey Dahmer and the rest of um down to Hell with me.  So there.

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GIF you, you giffing bastard

Facebook tells me it’s been a year since I started fertility treatments.  A year.  A whole year of shooting up hormones like crystal meth.  And where has it got me…no where really.

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This is my last hurrah.  If my next embryo transfer fails, I. AM. DONE.

My ERA biopsy results didn’t tell me anything…because my uterus is normal.  As is everything else with me.  Normal.  Healthy.  Fine.  No explanation as to why I can’t get pregnant.  “Unexplained infertility” is what they call it.  Okay.

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Resonant healing was a disaster.

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After my third session of “healing”, I contracted a severely itchy rash all over my hands.  My dermatologist thought it was scabies at first…and tested me for it.  Motherfucking bitch, do you know what scabies is???!  It’s when mites bury into your skin and lay eggs….IN YOUR FUCKING SKIN.  And it’s highly contagious.  You can just touch someone, and they will contract scabies as well.  And it goes into your clothes, bedding, carpet, etc.  Basically, you need to set your house AND YOURSELF on fire to get rid of it.

Thank god I tested negative for it.  It’s just a rash.  From what, I don’t know.  Maybe I’m just allergic to BULLSHIT.

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Other ladies have been trying to help me…talking about reproductive immunology and being tested for other immunological disorders and doing the “antihistamine protocol” for my next IVF cycle.  I’ll ask my doctor about it, but I’m pretty sure he’ll think it’s voodoo nonsense.  And I’m just tired of being tested, tired of doing procedures, just tired of all the shit that infertility brings.  I feel like my uterus, my cervix, and my vagina has been ripped apart in every direction, bruised, beaten, and broken.  My uterus is OVER IT.

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It’s actually kinda funny.  Two doctors have already commented about my cervix locking down like a military base on code red.  It actually refuses to open because my uterus is like, nope, no way in fucking hell you are getting through.

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So yep.  I’m tired.  I’m done.  Not trying anything new from here on out.  Not worth it.  Goodbye.

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