WTF

After you have a failed IVF, you do a follow-up appointment with your doctor.  There’s a reason why the IVF world calls this appointment, The WTF Appointment.  First of all, you’re feeling like, what the fuck, why didn’t it work?  We did every fucking thing right, we paid all that fucking money….aaaaand we got nothing.  And then after the doctor responds and goes over your options, you’re like, WHAT. THE. FUCK.

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I had my WTF appointment with my doctor this week.  And believe me, I wanted to rip some heads off.  The doctor laid out my three options:

  1. Use a surrogate. what2Okay, so we’re already at this point then??  Fuck me.  Does anyone want to volunteer to be my surrogate for FREE???  Because I can’t afford to pay you.  No takers??  Yeah, okay, no.
  2. Do a myomectomy. Which is a somewhat major uterine surgery where they slice open your stomach and uterus to remove uterine fibroids.  You must stay in the hospital for several days and you have a long recovery time.  Not to mention, it may cost $10,000 and you will have abdominal pain for awhile.  I currently have two uterine fibroids, but they are small, 2 centimeters large and they are not in my uterine cavity.  They are kind of half embedded in my uterine wall, and half hanging off the outside.  So my doctor doesn’t THINK it’s causing my infertility, but he can’t rule it out either.  Basically, I could do this surgery, but it might be unnecessary.  Plus, a myomectomy can cause scar tissue in the uterus, which could also interfere with implantation and increase the risk of miscarriage.  Uhhh…giphy (2)
  3. Do a two-week, intensive round of antibiotics on my third IVF transfer. During a normal round of IVF, I take about 5 days worth of antibiotics before the transfer day.  With this new protocol, the antibiotics would be more intense and for a longer period of time.  But you might feel sick and nauseous with the stronger antibiotics.  The doctor says around 50% of women have bacteria in their uterus which could inhibit pregnancy…the antibiotics would help counter it.  Okay…if 50% of women have this issue, why wasn’t I given the stronger antibiotics in the first place??!  Why are we only talking about this now, after I’ve done this TWICE?!

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At this point, my doctor is just grasping at straws. giphy (1)

He said it’s unlikely for 3 normal, healthy embryos to have recurrent implantation failure.  Usually, in a healthy, normal person like me, it would have worked.  And he says again, it could be that the embryos just have something wrong with them…even though chromosomally they are good.  Or there’s an issue with the uterus.  Or the universe just wants to fuck me in the asshole once again.

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Seriously.  I always feel worse after talking to the doctor.  Yet…he has this way of hanging that fucking carrot in front of your face.  Will it work if I take more antibiotics??  Would it work if I do the surgery??  Who fucking knows anymore.

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Life is not a fairy tale

There are no such things as Christmas miracles.  The magic of Christmas does not exist.  And there is no Santa Claus.  Actually, Santa can go eat a big fat dick.

I have no words left to say about this.  I really thought this Christmas season would bring some good news.  But no…the universe has, once again, given me the middle finger.  So I have no hope left.  And there is really nothing anyone can say to make this any better.  I have zero fucks to give and I don’t need to hear it.  I know very well that life isn’t fair.  But does it always have to be a fucking bitch?

Unless you’ve experienced infertility, I doubt you could comprehend the chaotic and tumultuous emotions that you go through.  As an IVF newbie…you’re blissfully naive and ignorant to the fact that this only has a 30% chance of working.  Still…you believe.  The initial excitement, the feelings of HOPE, anticipation, and the positivity that THIS WILL WORK.

What. A. Fucking. Lie.

That dreaded phone call, that fucking phone call that I’ve experienced twice now.  Where the sadness is so palpable that you know what the news is without her even saying a word.  In a second your hopes and dreams shatter into a million pieces.  And your entire body feels numb, you’re in utter disbelief that this is happening to you, and then you just crumble to the floor.

In the end, when everything fails, all there is left is anger, frustration, and sadness. The future you took for granted, the one that almost everyone has…planning out the names of the two children you were going to have, what clothes you would buy, what schools they would attend, have now become one giant fucking question mark and you start to envision a different future.  One that you never planned, one that feels dark, empty, and pointless.

I’m not saying a childless life is not worth living.  I’m sure it is.  Well I hope it is because that is the path I’m currently on.  But I wonder…will there always be a piece of my soul missing…a constant void in my bitter heart?  Will I miss all those life changing experiences only a parent knows?  Will I be alone on my deathbed, with no one to take care of me?  I don’t know.  Maybe it’ll be different…but maybe it will be exactly that.

I spent today curled in the fetal position.  That was my day.  I thought it was going to be easier, being that this is my second time around.  No…it’s even harder.  This whole experience has been one shitty nightmare and I just need it to end.  I’m thankful for my husband and my Sophie…without them I would have slit my wrists a long time ago.  But for now…I’m done with babies.

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4DP5DT

For those of you clueless to the IVF world, 4dp5dt means, 4 days past 5 day transfer…meaning…that I implanted a 5 day old embryo blastocyst and it’s been 4 days since my implantation.

Picture of my two embryos:

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It’s actually a boy and a girl.  Bet you can guess which one is the boy…the one emerging LAST out of the cocoon while the girl is busy forming herself into a 5 month old fetus that talks already.

I’m currently in that two week wait for the second time in my life.  Which kind of feels like….you went ALL IN with your shitty poker hand and you’re waiting to see if you win…or you lose your $5000 bet.  For those of you that don’t know, the two week wait is the period after implantation where you wait until you take a blood test that either confirms a pregnancy OR confirms the fact that your uterus remains a nuclear wasteland.

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A lot of people have been asking how I feel.  Well…I don’t feel all that great right now.  Because going through the dreaded two week wait is one long mindfuck.  Every symptom you experience, you feverishly google to see if it’s an “early pregnancy symptom.”  Which of course it is….or cancer.  Good old webmd tells me I’m about to die a horrible death every time I google a symptom.

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Anyway…I’ve been feeling crampy twinges in my uterus.  It’s not painful, but I feel something.  And women who go through this always hope it’s the embryo attaching to the uterus.  But it could also be a symptom of progesterone shots.  So you really have no fucking clue what it is.  But your brain is constantly on red alert, analyzing every little thing you feel.

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This is what’s been going on so far in my two week wait period:

Transfer day.  Spent the day resting at home, and coloring my IVF WTF coloring book!  You can buy it from Amazon here:  IVF WTF book.  Dick pics FTW.

1dp5dt.  Felt mostly normal.  Slight abdominal cramps.  Nothing out of the ordinary.

2dp5dt.  Tired with some crampy twinges in my uterus.

3dp5dt.  Lower back pain and crampy twinges in my uterus…along with a mini anxiety attack.  As I was falling asleep for the night, I woke up suddenly with what felt like a panic attack.  But just a minor one.  Then I experienced a hot flush all over my body.  I actually had to switch sides on the bed with my husband so that I could be directly in front of the AC.

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4dp5dt.  A little upset stomach, not very hungry.  A bit restless.  Mid back pain now (which I know is no way related to pregnancy…I just have a shit back).  My skin feels a little tingly.  And my head feels weird…like fuzzy and on the verge of having a headache.  And I’m googling symptoms of course.  Which resulted in the internet telling me that I’m currently going through menopause.  Okay.

So…I don’t know what the hell is happening.  But it’s not fun.  I guess I just have to wait and see if I do hit that royal flush and win this fucking shit.  Or lose….again.

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