The House Always Wins

Last night we watched a documentary on Netflix, called Vegas Baby.  It’s about a fertility clinic in Las Vegas that used to hold a contest to offer one couple/individual a free round of IVF.  It shows the lives and stories of various contestants who suffer from infertility and who are trying to win a free round of IVF.  Basically, it’s depressing sob stories where barely anyone comes out a winner.

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And that is the beauty of in vitro fertilization.

When I go to Las Vegas for vacation, and believe me, I go a lot, I don’t gamble that much.  I don’t play on the tables or pull $5 slots.  I sit on my 25 cent machines and play video poker.  My money lasts for a little while and I have a few small wins here and there.  But every time I go, I always put in my $21 and play the Megabucks.  Why?  Because I want the one in a billion trillion chance that I hit the winning pull and win $25 million.  But the odds are stacked against me, yet I still do it anyway.  Well…all it takes is one pull.

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And that, essentially, is what doing IVF is like.  It’s high stakes gambling baby.  Throwing $12,000, $25,000, or $125,000 at a machine, betting on the 30% chance that you’ll win on the first pull.  30%….30.  That’s all it is.  And with every pull you take, you have the exact same odds at winning….or losing.  There are no small wins here or there.  When you play the game of IVF thrones, you either win, or you lose.

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And as you get older, your odds of winning decrease drastically.  For women between the ages of 35-37, it might be 33-36%, but for women over the age of 40, it’s 13%.

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This is the reality of it.  And it fucking sucks.

Would you put $20,000 in a machine, for the chance at ONE pull, when you have a 30% chance of winning???

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Three is better than none

Today I told my doctor that I want to implant TWO eggs for my next IVF transfer.  This was his EXACT REACTION:

I’m not kidding you.  And I was totally silent after his, “WHYYYYY?” comment.  Why?  WHY???!  Because my fucking uterus remains a barren wasteland you a-hole!!

He then proceeded to tell me, again, the health risks of having multiples and how they probably will be premature and my chances of having twins are 50% and like 3-5% of having triplets and blahblahblahblahblah.  And then he goes, well you know you have uterine fibroids and you have higher chances of miscarriage and not being able to keep a pregnancy.  Say what?  Come again?

This is news to me.  I was not told this before.  I am pretty damn certain that I was told my fibroid tumors would NOT be a factor in my ability to get pregnant.  Due to the location of them and the fact that my fibroids are small, they wouldn’t be much of an issue in getting pregnant.  And now that I express interest in implanting two embryos, NOW he says they’re an issue?!?!?!

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Just put the damn things in.

 

The devil made me do it

This might be a sensitive subject to some…so if you do get offended due to your religious beliefs…then I’m sorry you stumbled across my highly opinionated blog, but please keep your opinions to yourself and let me express mine.  This is my blog beeyotch.  Go write your own.  Or you know what, just don’t read this.

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So my husband and I recently have been watching documentaries about serial killers.  Yup, we love that light-hearted comedy.  Anyway, we watched a documentary about Jeffrey Dahmer, the American serial killer that murdered, dismembered, and ATE 17 men/boys between 1978-1991.  He received like 15 life sentences [I don’t know why people are given more than one life sentence…it’s a LIFE SENTENCE which means TILL YOU DIE] for the crimes committed, and was beaten to death in prison.  Jeffrey Dahmer’s compulsion of keeping things close to him and his fascination with dead bodies and attractive men was what led him to his killing spree.  Yes, he was fucked up royally and pure evil.  But his family was very religious and at the end of his life (in prison), he became a God-fearing man.

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In conclusion, his family believes that because Jeffrey Dahmer, the man who raped, murdered, and motherfucking ate 17 people for no reason at all, became Christian at the end of his life, he is now living/existing in heaven.

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Nope.  Nope.  No no no nononono.  Hell no.

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I’m sorry, but I find it hard to believe that a man who liked killing and eating people now resides in the heavenly skies above us for all of eternity.  JUST BECAUSE he “became” a Christian.  Now this is why I don’t understand religion at all.  Motherfucking common sense tells you that you do not reward someone for going on a murder spree!!  Even though you are sorry about it afterwards.  And yes, Jeffrey Dahmer did apologize for his actions, but he said even Christianity would not have stopped him from murdering again.  He would have continued to kill people till the day he died if he was not forcefully IMPRISONED in jail.  And you tell me, this man is in heaven???  Bull fucking shit.  Not in MY heaven.

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And I know some of you believe that I, a generally wholesome good person who has not murdered or eaten a human being, will go to Hell when I die, because I don’t identify myself as a Christian and go to church.  Well you know what, when I get there, I will personally form an alliance with Lucifer and drag Jeffrey Dahmer and the rest of um down to Hell with me.  So there.

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GIF you, you giffing bastard

Facebook tells me it’s been a year since I started fertility treatments.  A year.  A whole year of shooting up hormones like crystal meth.  And where has it got me…no where really.

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This is my last hurrah.  If my next embryo transfer fails, I. AM. DONE.

My ERA biopsy results didn’t tell me anything…because my uterus is normal.  As is everything else with me.  Normal.  Healthy.  Fine.  No explanation as to why I can’t get pregnant.  “Unexplained infertility” is what they call it.  Okay.

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Resonant healing was a disaster.

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After my third session of “healing”, I contracted a severely itchy rash all over my hands.  My dermatologist thought it was scabies at first…and tested me for it.  Motherfucking bitch, do you know what scabies is???!  It’s when mites bury into your skin and lay eggs….IN YOUR FUCKING SKIN.  And it’s highly contagious.  You can just touch someone, and they will contract scabies as well.  And it goes into your clothes, bedding, carpet, etc.  Basically, you need to set your house AND YOURSELF on fire to get rid of it.

Thank god I tested negative for it.  It’s just a rash.  From what, I don’t know.  Maybe I’m just allergic to BULLSHIT.

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Other ladies have been trying to help me…talking about reproductive immunology and being tested for other immunological disorders and doing the “antihistamine protocol” for my next IVF cycle.  I’ll ask my doctor about it, but I’m pretty sure he’ll think it’s voodoo nonsense.  And I’m just tired of being tested, tired of doing procedures, just tired of all the shit that infertility brings.  I feel like my uterus, my cervix, and my vagina has been ripped apart in every direction, bruised, beaten, and broken.  My uterus is OVER IT.

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It’s actually kinda funny.  Two doctors have already commented about my cervix locking down like a military base on code red.  It actually refuses to open because my uterus is like, nope, no way in fucking hell you are getting through.

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So yep.  I’m tired.  I’m done.  Not trying anything new from here on out.  Not worth it.  Goodbye.

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Burn the witch

Yesterday I tried something interesting…I went to a resonant healer.  A resonant healer is someone who heals your ailments through the use of vibrations and energy.  Possibly similar to Japanese reiki, the healing restores the flow of your life force energy and it unblocks and balances your chakras and energizes your cells to a higher frequency.  I know…what the fuck right?  Am I wasting more of my money again?  I’ve tried crystals, psychics, witchcraft, hypnosis therapy, Chinese acupuncture…a little voodoo magic won’t hurt right?  So you can see, I’m open to trying almost anything.  And before you roll your little eyeballs at me, I just want to say…dude, witchcraft works.  But that is a story for another time.  [*Disclaimer: Don’t worry, I did not use witchcraft to try and get pregnant…I don’t want to birth demon baby Lucifer from Hell]

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So back to resonant healing.  The doctor…and yes he’s a real live doctor who got his license in chiropractic medicine…seemed normal enough.  He explained to me what resonant healing was, his technique of barely touching you, and what he tries to accomplish.  He said he wants my body to heal itself, and by using frequencies and vibrations and energies, he tells my body to fix its own shit.  Okay, sure sure.  The doctor began by trying to dig into my history.  He said there must have been something traumatic that happened to my body a long time ago.  Actually yes, back in 2002 I suffered a head injury where I flew off a skateboard and landed on my back and bludgeoned my brain and had to be hospitalized for it.  The doctor believes that’s it…that was the start of my downfall.  Basically, whenever severe trauma occurs to a body, it fucks shit up.  He said my body is all messed up because of this one fall, and I need to open up blockages in my body with his healing technique.  He said this is why I have headaches, lower back pain that came out of nowhere (remember I thought it was bone cancer?), and infertility.  He also said he knows my reproductive organs aren’t working properly because I have uterine fibroids…I must have some kind of blockage (not physical blockage, but you know, life flow spiritual blockage and shit).

One thing that turned me off was when the doctor decided to become a psychic for 5 minutes and tried to READ me.  No…no no…nonono.

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He was so wrong, that I almost laughed in his face.  If you’re not a real psychic, don’t try to read people.  Because YOU CAN’T READ ME SON.  In all honesty, I might be a hard person to read if you don’t know me…but still, don’t do it.  You’re a healer…HEAL.

Anyway, we began the treatment shortly after.  I laid face down for 30 minutes, and at 5 minute intervals, the doctor came over and pressed my back and lightly touched parts of my body, mostly my lower back, butt, thighs, and neck areas.  The disconcerting thing was the other patient lying next to me was snoring like a fucking lawnmower.  Kinda hard to relax when there’s a chainsaw lying next to you.  When the treatment was over, I didn’t feel any different.  And I don’t feel any different today.  It’s going to be difficult to tell if this really works, because I won’t feel any immediate results, whereas a patient who suffers from pain, would.  Which brings me to the conclusion, should I keep going or not?  He recommends at least going 10 sessions, once per week, at $65 per session.  That’s a lot of money.  And he wants me to stop seeing my chiropractor and masseuse, because even though he WAS a chiropractor before, he is totally against the practice of cracking bones.  He said it will misalign my body even more and mess up the healing he’s trying to do.

I know a lot of people say that if you are a skeptic and don’t believe in something, or feel negative in any way, then it won’t work.  I don’t believe that.  I feel, things will work or NOT work, regardless of how you feel about it.  If something is truly real, it should work on a nonbeliever.

So make me believe doc.

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*Note: If anyone has any other “healer” recommendations, I would be glad to hear it.  I’ve heard of healers who touch you once, and you’re cured.  None of this, come back 10 times at $65 per session business.  That makes me think you’re in it for the money.  But who knows?

To our 9th island

On June 14, 2016 I wrote some thoughts about gun control…that I want to bring up again in light of the tragedy in Las Vegas last night.  Here were my thoughts from 2016:

Today I watched a video from Trevor Noah’s The Daily Show.  It’s perfect and it’s really the way I feel about all these mass shootings.  Did you know, we’ve already had 180 mass shootings in the United States this year…180.  And it’s only June [2016].  We have six more months to go people.  Imagine the damage and the lives lost that will…and yes…WILL happen in the next coming months?  Last year alone we had 371 mass shootings.  It’s fucking unbelievable.  And what’s worse, is that we’re doing nothing about it.

Gun control IS an issue in this country, whether you agree or not.  It is way too fucking easy to get a gun here.  Omar Mateen, the shooter in the Orlando nightclub, bought two guns LEGALLY.  He was already investigated by the FBI in 2013 and 2014 and he was listed on two federal watch lists.  And yet…he could still obtain a firearms license and bought two guns one week before he decided to murder 50 people.  Ummm…don’t you think something is wrong with that picture??  How the eff can someone who was already interviewed by the FBI, who beat his wife, who was mentally unstable, who associated himself with radical parties…purchase guns legally?  HOW. THE. FUCK.  But no…it’s not about guns.  It’s never about guns.  Instead, our society blames terrorism, blames radical Islam, blames ISIS, blames the Muslim religion, blames fucking turbans for what happened.  No.  Nonononono.  It’s because a crazy ass bigot decided to go apeshit, bought some guns, and killed human beings.  He actually went to the gun store three times in one week…like hey I’m going to buy a gun.  Wait I need a larger gun.  Oh yah, I need bullets to kill people.  Yep…no red flags there….

Yes…even if we did have stricter gun laws, people can still buy guns on the black market…or on the back streets of Kalihi.  Yes…that will happen.  But our country still needs to make it more difficult for people to buy guns legally.  Look at 9/11.  Terrorists used airplanes to murder a shitload of people.  And what did our country do in response?  Our government scrambled like hell to make it fucking impossible to travel.  We now have to stand in the longest fucking lines at the airport, waiting to take off our shoes, our jackets, put tiny useless 3 ounce bottles of liquid into quart size ziplock bags, and walk though x-ray machines.  We suffer through pat-downs and wand metal detectors and TSA agents making you throw away your fucking triple AAA battery for your noise-cancelling headphones.  That is what happened.  And that is what is necessary in order to make it harder for a crazy sunofabitch to hijack a Boeing airliner.

So why not guns?  I think people need to start suffering in order to purchase a fucking ASSAULT RIFLE.  I mean sure…still allow people to buy them…you know Second Amendment and all that shit.  Maybe I’ll buy a gun too.  But maybe… maybe I should get denied…since in the last 10 minutes my google history shows: Omar Mateen, why is it legal to buy assault rifles, what kind of gun was used in shooting, metal wand detectors, 9/11 planes, bigot, 2nd amendment, and game of thrones.  I feel like those could be red flags.  One more google history search for “president assassination” and I should be on the FBI watch list.  WHICH SHOULD FUCKING PROHIBIT ME FROM BUYING A GUN.

Look…our country cannot stop every thing from happening.  I get that.  And they can’t put regulations on every little thing either.  I mean…a serial killer could start murdering people with metal spoons.  Is the U.S. going to start requiring background checks to buy metal spoons?  No.  Because that’s ridiculous.  People use cars as weapons all the time to run over pedestrians…yet there are no regulations when it comes to purchasing a car…albeit a credit check.  We cannot regulate everything.  But we can make it harder for a psychopath to buy a gun [a weapon which is purely used to kill things] legally in the United States.  Maybe it wouldn’t have stopped Mateen from killing 50 people…but maybe it would have made a difference.

And maybe it would have made a difference in Las Vegas.  Maybe not.  But, maybe it would have made it more difficult for Stephen Paddock to purchase AR-15-style assault rifles to murder 59 people and severely injure over 527 others.

I know people are saying its too early to talk about gun control…and instead we need to focus on grieving and helping the victims of this horrific violence.  Sure…okay…respect.  But when the fuck is the right time to talk about it???  How long do we need to wait?  Do we need another headline stating “United States’ deadliest mass shooting in history” to get the ball rolling?  I mean what the fuck do we need to do if not stricter gun laws?  Does every single hotel in the universe need to check the luggage of every single guest??  Do we need pat-downs upon entry and exit of every building over 5 stories tall??  Should every single citizen be subjected to intense psychological examination upon turning age 18?

I don’t know, but fucking DO SOMETHING.

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Surrogacy, pineapples, and nuclear bombs

So I’ve had four people offer to be my surrogate…FOUR.  Like dude, I have a line forming to take the bullet for me and carry my child for nine months and birth it out their own vaginas.  Wow.  That is such an amazing thing to do for someone.  Especially when I’ve been hearing recently how women are dying during childbirth.  Who knew you could fucking die from your own amniotic fluid?!??!!  And as a surrogate, you would have to undergo IVF…as in all the same shit that I’m doing right now and complain about.  Will you be okay with possibly horrific hormonal reactions?  Will your husband sacrifice his time and be willing to stab you with needles every day?  Will you be okay with having a sore butt for months, unable to even exercise sometimes??  Will you feel guilty if you have a miscarriage?  Do you still want to be a surrogate???

Well to me, surrogacy is a great option, you know, in the case that my demon uterus cannot house a baby.  But can I actually afford it…welllll I’m not a celebrity, so probably NOT.

The overall costs of surrogacy can range from $80,000 – $100,000.  HOLY SATAN’S BUTTHOLE WHAT THE FUCK.  These costs involve doing an IVF cycle (of course), plus fees to the reproductive law attorney, psychological counseling, medical expenses, transportation allowance, lost wages, child care, and other legal and medical costs…even money to cover the surrogate’s maternity clothes and shit.  You’re even supposed to pay for housekeeping if your surrogate is confined to a bed as a result of the pregnancy.  Umm okay no.  I’m sorry but I can’t afford to pay for all of that…as I have my own life to support.

I looked up the financial information for surrogacy in Hawaii:

Surrogate compensation: $25,000

Monthly allowance for mileage, prenatal vitamins, communications: $100/month

Multiples fee: $3000

Invasive medical procedures (like amniocentesis): $500

Embryo transfer fee: $500

Medical screening of surrogate and spouse: $1500-$3000

Psychological screening of surrogate: included in agency fee

IVF procedure: $6000

Attorney fees and court filing fees to establish parentage: $5000

Term life insurance policy of $250,000 for surrogate: $435

Maternity clothing allowance: $500-$750

Escrow Account Management services: $750

Lost wages and childcare in the event of bed rest: hourly rate

Maternity Care Insurance plans: $250/month

Agency fees: $14,000

What the fuck you need escrow for??????!

So uhh maybe not.  Even if I minus out the surrogacy compensation and agency fees.  I will, uhh…pay for your doctor visits but only if you have really good insurance like HMO or the HMSA 90/10 plan.

Yeeeeaaah.  I’m just done after this.


Anyway, onto more realistic things.  I started an Instagram account for my blog!  Feel free to follow me @ivfisabitch

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As I am a newcomer to the IVF social media world, I’ve noticed that everyone uses pineapples as a symbol for infertility.  Is that a thing???  Are pineapples the symbol for infertility?  I heard pomegranates are a Chinese symbol for fertility….do we have the wrong fruit maybe??  Also seriously, people talk in a different language when it comes to their IVF processes.  BFP, Beta, PIO, 7DP3DT.  Like wtf is this Star Wars C-3PO language?!

Well I guess I have to get me some pineapple attire….since I’ve “officially” joined the online infertility world.


But you know what…does all this even matter anyway?  We’re all going to die soon.

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We’re going to get nuclear bombed by North Korea…so why do I even bother?  Seriously guys, the state of Hawaii has come out with nuclear bomb emergency preparation…which consists of:  You have 15 minutes to get to a safe location which is no where so you’re pretty much DEAD.  GOODBYE.

Good times.  WHY IS TRUMP STILL OUR PRESIDENT FOR FUCK’S SAKE.

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You know, I’m getting really tired of this shit.  Fucking seriously.  I’m tired of jumping through hoop after hoop, doing procedure after procedure, because it never seems to end.  Every time I go to the doctor, it just gets worse.  Every. Fucking. Time.  And I’m exhausted.  It’s like, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, but the tunnel keeps getting longer.

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Yesterday, I had a follow-up appointment with my fertility doctor.  He says, I know you’re wondering why IVF didn’t work, and there could be many reasons.  Most likely it was something to do with the embryo and it just wasn’t strong enough to make a baby.  That’s usually the case when implantation failure occurs.  And yes, even though the embryos were genetically tested, that test only counts chromosomes.  It could be other genetic factors, but unfortunately we don’t have the technology to test every single thing.  [Okay, I get it, my embryos are tards.  Can’t do shit about that.]  But then he says, it could also be a uterine issue and inaccurate implantation timing.  We could be putting the egg in at the wrong time.  Most likely it’s NOT that, however there’s a 20% chance it could be.  So he suggests yet another test: an ERA – Endometrial Receptivity Analysis.

If this was a simple blood test, you know I’d be down.  But it’s fucking NOT.

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An ERA test requires me to go through a FAKE IVF cycle, as in, repeat all the drugs and shots, but not put any eggs in.  And let me just say, an IVF cycle takes 6 weeks.  So I would do a mock IVF cycle, and during the time they would transfer an egg in, they would instead perform an endometrial biopsy.  And what is an endometrial biopsy?  Oh you know, they just shove a tube in your uterus and SUCK PIECES OF YOUR UTERUS OUT.  And is it painful?  HAH.  My doctor explained that I would feel very intense cramping…cause he’s literally ripping out pieces of my uterus lining with a vacuum.  Doesn’t that sound fucking fantastic?!  Oh and it also costs $1000.  Oh and you might have to do it twice.  Oh and there’s a good chance (80%) you’re normal so it’s totally optional and up to you because I’m going to remain ambivalent about it.

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SONOFABITCH!!!  Is this even worth it?!

When I did the saline sonohysterogram (a similar-ish procedure where they shoot liquid into your uterus) the person administering the procedure used a catheter and scraped the inside of my uterus.  I felt like I was fucking dying.  I experienced what they call a vasovagal reaction.  A vasovagal reaction is sudden dizziness or fainting that can be triggered by pain or trauma.  You may sweat, feel lightheaded, or nauseated, and you may pass out if the reaction continues.  Yes I had all of that thank you.  Obviously my uterus doesn’t like to be violated.

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So basically…I’m fucked.

Because yes, I’ve decided to do the stupid fucking test.  Even though it could be a complete waste of time and money, I need to know that I tested everything I could.  I’m a hypochondriac by nature, so usually I like to be tested for every disease under the planet.  Why not this one, right?

Because I’m going to fucking die…..

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Letters to the Editor

On Tuesday we found out the embryo we lost was a boy.  And I could tell my husband was affected by this loss.  So this is a letter to him:

Dear Husband,

Thank you for being so good throughout our infertility journey.  There is no one else on earth I could have done this with.  You are surprisingly good at giving shots…so good that it concerns me if were you a nurse in a past life, or just a serial killer?  Thank you for rearranging your schedule so that you could administer those shots on time, every day.  I feel like I’ve developed so much more trust in you…being that you haven’t severed my veins with a needle yet.  Thank you for being my emotional rock and for never breaking down like I do, because there is no room in the house for two uncontrollable ugly criers… we just need the one.  Thank you for satisfying my emotional-eater syndrome and comforting me with pizza, chocolate cake, chocolate ice cream, and tea bobas.  Thank you for magically reading my mind that one…and I say ONE…time and found me crying in the shower.  I really needed you at that moment.  Thank you for coming to all the important doctor’s appointments and for giving your “donations” in awkward places.  I know, their porn stash needs to be updated to the 2017s.  Thank you for feeling the same hurt as I do, with each loss we have.  We’ve had four failed IUIs and one failed IVF, and the pain gets progressively worse every time.  But we still have one more shot at this…and if it’s unsuccessful then we are fucking booking a trip to Bora Bora.  Thank you for being the optimistic one in this relationship, even though I can see it’s difficult for you to stay positive during these times.  Thank you for being okay with not having kids, even though I know you really want a child prodigy named Iverson Michael Curry James.  And last but not least, thank you in advance for buying me the all white Siberian Husky that I’ve always wanted…because this was the deal if we don’t have kids, right???!?!  [SOMEONE NEEDS TO ADOPT GHOST CAUSE OBVIOUSLY JON IS TOO BUSY FOR HIM.]  Thank you husband for loving me, the most annoyingly neurotic person you know.  I love you too.

Love,

Your Wifey

It didn’t fucking work…

This past Friday I took a blood test, to determine if I was pregnant or not.  To see if the past two years of trying to get pregnant worked.  To see if the past six months of endless hormone drugs, injections, and surgeries worked.  To see if using all my savings and incurring credit card debt worked.  And did it?  No…it Fucking. Did. Not.

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Ten minutes before I was supposed to walk into a work meeting, I get the crushingly disappointing phone call, that sorry, my uterus is still a barren wasteland.  My boss walks into my office, and I burst into tears.  He immediately sends me home, so that I can ugly cry in private I’m sure.  Ugh, so embarrassing.  But, hah, it’s not the first time I’ve cried in front of a boss.

Yes.  Friday was for crying.  Like all day crying.  I mean, I thought this shit would WORK.  But no…it’s more like I just put my money through a shredder and set it on fire.  I know…money isn’t everything.  But really, it IS.  Money is the main reason why we wouldn’t consider repeating IVF over and over again.  It costs your first born child and we’re not millionaires.

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Plus, do I want to continue putting myself through physical pain and discomfort for months??  Having to rearrange your daily schedule and your husband’s daily schedule just so that you can administer medication on time?  Shoving so much pills down your throat that you’re considering getting your liver checked just to make sure it’s not dying?  Having your vagina cough out what looks like toothpaste on the daily?  I know it’s worth it to a lot of people trying to be parents.  But, I don’t think that’s me.  I’m not one of those people whose life goal is to become a mother.  I’m not even a kid person.  I value my freedom, I value my sleep schedule, and I value my financial stability.  Which is why it won’t devastatingly kill me if we don’t have a baby.  Don’t get me wrong, I do want a child of my own.  Why else would I be doing all this shit.  I would love to experience what it’s like being a parent and shopping in the kids section and having a legitimate blood heir.  I would love to see what my genetics could produce.  I would love to buy my baby’s first onesie.  I would love to grow old and have grandchildren to babysit.  But you know, at some point, it’s just not worth it anymore.  And maybe it’s time to quit.

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I thought about what happened, why it didn’t work.  Did I do something wrong?  Did I accidentally damage my embryo because I used salicylic acid face wash that one time?  Was it because my dog stepped on my stomach?  Was it the piece of ahi sashimi I ate?  Was it the acupuncture needles that went into my stomach?  No.  It wasn’t any of those things.  It was totally out of my control and there was nothing I could have done to get that embryo to attach.  For those of you going through the same thing as I am, don’t blame yourself when your fertility treatments fail.  It’s not your fault.  There is nothing and no one to blame…except god and the universe, fuck you guys.  Nah nah, please get me a baby the second time around.

Yes, we’re going to try again.  One more time.  I have five embryos left, I should try again (even though I’m poor as fuck).  Maybe I should just shove all of them in there?!?!  It’s my last time, so might as well right??  Kidding.  I would fucking die.

I’m hoping the second round of IVF works…but then again, it’s hard to remain positive when the experiences have been bleak.  This will probably be my last round, but I am content to know that at least I tried.  Thank you to everyone for the supportive and encouraging words.  I really appreciate it.  But I’m fine…we’re fine.  Sure my dead baby’s just floating around in my uterus just waiting to be shed with my uterus lining.  But it’s okay.  Because hey, if we don’t end up having kids, we’ll just be that rich couple who travels all the time, sleeps in for 12 hours, and who never has to spend a dime on school tuition.  Hah, sucks to be you guys.

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