Life is not a fairy tale

There are no such things as Christmas miracles.  The magic of Christmas does not exist.  And there is no Santa Claus.  Actually, Santa can go eat a big fat dick.

I have no words left to say about this.  I really thought this Christmas season would bring some good news.  But no…the universe has, once again, given me the middle finger.  So I have no hope left.  And there is really nothing anyone can say to make this any better.  I have zero fucks to give and I don’t need to hear it.  I know very well that life isn’t fair.  But does it always have to be a fucking bitch?

Unless you’ve experienced infertility, I doubt you could comprehend the chaotic and tumultuous emotions that you go through.  As an IVF newbie…you’re blissfully naive and ignorant to the fact that this only has a 30% chance of working.  Still…you believe.  The initial excitement, the feelings of HOPE, anticipation, and the positivity that THIS WILL WORK.

What. A. Fucking. Lie.

That dreaded phone call, that fucking phone call that I’ve experienced twice now.  Where the sadness is so palpable that you know what the news is without her even saying a word.  In a second your hopes and dreams shatter into a million pieces.  And your entire body feels numb, you’re in utter disbelief that this is happening to you, and then you just crumble to the floor.

In the end, when everything fails, all there is left is anger, frustration, and sadness. The future you took for granted, the one that almost everyone has…planning out the names of the two children you were going to have, what clothes you would buy, what schools they would attend, have now become one giant fucking question mark and you start to envision a different future.  One that you never planned, one that feels dark, empty, and pointless.

I’m not saying a childless life is not worth living.  I’m sure it is.  Well I hope it is because that is the path I’m currently on.  But I wonder…will there always be a piece of my soul missing…a constant void in my bitter heart?  Will I miss all those life changing experiences only a parent knows?  Will I be alone on my deathbed, with no one to take care of me?  I don’t know.  Maybe it’ll be different…but maybe it will be exactly that.

I spent today curled in the fetal position.  That was my day.  I thought it was going to be easier, being that this is my second time around.  No…it’s even harder.  This whole experience has been one shitty nightmare and I just need it to end.  I’m thankful for my husband and my Sophie…without them I would have slit my wrists a long time ago.  But for now…I’m done with babies.