One month down!

I finally had time to write a blog about my experience with labor and delivery.  Haha time…I NEVER have time to do anything anymore.  My life has been consumed with taking care of this tiny human being that is my daughter.  And believe me, it’s been HARD.  You would think the universe would throw me a fucking bone after I had to go through IVF three times to get pregnant, suffering through a shitty pregnancy for 40 weeks, and experiencing the horror that is labor and delivery.  But noooooo.  I now have been hashtag blessed with a difficult baby who loves screaming bloody murder at every little thing, who projectile shits on walls, and who can only sleep when she’s being carried.  It’s been a nightmare actually, but I guess this is the typical experience parents have with newborns.  I don’t know how the hell people have more than one kid…

So as you know, I hated being pregnant.  The third trimester was the worst, with the not being able to breathe, peeing every 5 minutes, feet swelling so much that I couldn’t fit any of my shoes, sleeping upright with 5 pillows stuffed in every crevice of my body, aches and pains everywhere, etc. etc. you know the drill.  And yes, I was miserable.  But oh hoho how naive I was.  Pregnancy was cake compared to the shitshow that is labor, delivery, and recovery.

I was induced around 2:00pm on a Monday.  Let me tell you, being induced when your cervix is practically closed is NOT FUN.  They had to insert a Foley balloon catheter in my uterus.  I’m not going to lie, it hurt like a motherfucker.  From the moment the balloon was inserted in me, I was in pain the ENTIRE TIME.  It was a constant menstrual cramping pain that lasted for hours and hours and hours.  And no, there’s no pain medication for that shit!  You just have to take it.

So this balloon catheter was supposed to fall out of my vagina after my cervix dilated to 3-4 centimeters after a couple of hours.  Yah, that didn’t happen.  At around 7:00pm I was finally at 3 cm, but the balloon was still in there.  I started having contractions around 12-15 minutes apart and they started me on Pitocin.  After a couple more hours, they had to yank the balloon out of my vagina because it wasn’t falling out.  So fucking pleasant.

That night around 11:00pm I finally asked for an epidural because I was dying.  I was only 4 cm dilated, but my contractions were really frequent and painful.  There was no way in hell I was handling the pain any longer.

Thank god the epidural worked like a charm, because I would have shot myself in the brain if I had to endure my contractions.  Women who don’t get epidurals…you guys are motherfucking heroic.

However, soon after my epidural was administered, the baby went into distress because my uterus started contracting repeatedly.  When nurses and doctors come rushing into your room and put an oxygen mask around your face and not tell you what the hell is happening, it’s kinda fucking scary.  They gave me a shot of terbutaline to stop my contractions so that the baby could stabilize.  You know, someone should TELL YOU the possible side effects of drugs…because when I started convulsing and uncontrollably shaking, I was like WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING TO ME.  Like okaaaay am I dying????

And the only thing they could do for me was give me warm blankets.

I stalled at 5 cm overnight, so around 6:00am the next morning they broke my waterbag and I finally started progressing.  At 12 noon I finally hit 10 cm and started pushing.  4 1/2 hours later…baby was still in there.  Apparently, the angle of her head and my petite frame made it difficult for her to emerge.  Let me tell you, trying to push a watermelon out your vagina for 4 1/2 hours is FUCKING BRUTAL.  I was so exhausted that I literally fell asleep in between contractions.  My eyes couldn’t even stay open.  I also had a mirror in front of me so that I could see when my baby’s head would crown.  Of course, all I could really focus on was the growing hemorrhoids that were emerging from my butthole.

Finally, my OBGYN said I had to make a decision to use the vacuum or go straight to a c-section.  I decided to use the vacuum to help suction the baby out…which resulted in the complete annihilation of my vagina and butthole.  I actually have a video of my delivery.  It’s a horror show.

Finally, my daughter was delivered at 4:20pm.  I suffered from a third degree tear, which basically means my undercarriage ripped apart a gaping hole from my vagina to my anus.  Sonofabitch.

It’s a good thing I had an epidural because I didn’t feel that tear, nor did I feel the stitches, or the giant hemorrhoids that formed while I pushed for 4 1/2 hours.

Fast forward to postpartum recovery…I couldn’t even walk or stand up straight, due to the complete destruction of my vagina and butthole.  Blood poured out of me, literally just dripping on the floor.  (I still am bleeding to this day).  I couldn’t pee on my own, which was the most frustrating thing.  I had to be catheterized 4 times in order to pee.  My pain was so bad, I was on three different pain pills, including oxycodone…which of course didn’t work at all.  Pretty sure I needed morphine or something stronger.

My pain was so bad that I couldn’t even concentrate on my own baby.  I didn’t want to hold her and I could barely take care of her because I was so out of it.  I couldn’t even establish a bond with her because my pain was so overwhelming.  I didn’t even feel like she was my own daughter.  Unlike my husband, I did NOT instantly fall in love with my child the moment I saw her.  Everyone says you forget the pain and suffering once your child is born.  NOPE.  NO.  I REMEMBER EVERY FUCKING DETAIL.

It took me a few days…but I eventually loved my daughter.  It helps that I find her completely adorable and so cute that I want to eat her face off.

After I came home from the hospital, came the second worst experience of my life, postpartum poop. Okay, NO ONE TOLD ME HOW UNBELIEVABLY PAINFUL THIS IS!!!  WHY DIDN’T ANYONE FUCKING TELL ME ABOUT THIS?!?!?!?!?!  It was like shitting shards of glass out of my butthole.  I had to brace myself against the wall, shaking and shivering the whole time, with sweat dripping down my face…and here’s my husband trying to talk to me at the same time.  I CAN’T TALK RIGHT NOW I AM FUCKING DYING A SLOW AND PAINFUL DEATH!!  CALL 911 BECAUSE I NEED HELP!!!

I seriously wanted to go to the hospital because it was so bad.  And let me tell you, no amount of stool softeners will help your first poop after delivery.

It’s been one month since I delivered and I am STILL recovering from my injuries.  My doctor said it’ll take months for me to heal.  GOODY.

Life with a baby is so terrifying.  I am constantly checking to see if she’s still breathing.  Every sound she makes, I need to check to make sure she’s not suffocating or choking.  And don’t even get me started on breastfeeding.  That’s another story in itself.  So frustratingly difficult and painful.

Well I, along with my daughter, have survived one month.  Here’s to making it to two.

162 Weeks Pregnant

I feel like I’m 162 weeks pregnant…this feels like it has been going on FOR-EV-ERRRRR.

Every day I get asked, is the baby here yet?  No…she is fucking not.

Every day I get asked, how are you feeling?  Fucking shitty.

And every day I get asked, are you getting excited?  No…I am fucking not.

Please stop talking to me.  I would like silence from you, a two cheeseburger meal from Mcdonalds, a box of Cinnabon, and a boba tea.  And not those fucking small minibons…I mean a BOX OF FULL-SIZE CINNABON.  Thank you.

I honestly don’t know how women have more than one kid.  I’m pretty positive I am DONEZO after this one.

I hate being pregnant and I never want to do this ever again.  And for those of you who somehow blackout and have pregnancy amnesia and want to have another child…I will not forget.

I will remember EVERY SYMPTOM I have experienced and know how awful it is carrying a child in your stomach for 40 weeks.  40 weeks by the way equals an ETERNITY.

I am so GDamn uncomfortable all the time!  I feel like a basketball is constantly pressing on my butthole.  I pee every 10 minutes, and right when I get off the toilet, the urge to pee comes back again.  I have to sleep propped up because I cannot breathe lying down.  My stomach feels like it’s going to rip open and I am constantly full, even after I drink a sip of water.

I now have constant indigestion and loose stools.  The nerves in my vagina and thighs are getting pinched from the weight of my gigantor baby.  Not to mention the constant swelling of my feet and cankles.  Yes, I have no ankles anymore.  When you press my skin lightly, it makes a semi-permanent indentation due to all the fluid accumulating around my cankles and calves.  My husband said last night, this can’t be normal right??!

Yes…I think it is.

I have tried every natural induction method possible at this point, but of course my daughter is fucking stubborn like her mother.  She sitting pretty in my uterus just filling up on all the sugar and carbs I’ve been eating.

Because yes, at this point IDGAF about my diabetes.

Um…and yah I thought people with gestational diabetes give birth early?!?!?!  Uhhhh I’m almost at 40 weeks people….this isn’t early!!!  This is fucking on TIME.

Pretty sure my doctor is going to have to force my daughter to come out sometime next week.  And my god will that be a FUN experience.  Stay tuned.

30 Weeks

This was literally me this morning…as my leg had a seizure (your typical calf cramp) from this pregnancy.  Yes, I fell off my bed in abhorrent pain, moaning.  What a wonderful way to wake up on this beautiful Friday morning.

So yes…I am now 30 weeks pregnant.  I have been holding off on writing a blog entry about my pregnancy since I don’t really want to complain.  I wanted this for four years right????  Right????  Did I???

Of course I never thought pregnancy would be a breeze, since I’ve seen countless women go through this and struggle.  But you never know what it’s like, until you’re in the trenches.  And my god, it’s not fucking fun.  Whoever likes being pregnant should be shot in the face…only because it’s not fair to the other 90% who die a little each day.  I’m that 90%.  I want this to be over already.

The third trimester has by far been the most difficult…and I’m only at 7 months.  I have two more months of this…which is going to be SOOOOOO GREAT.

And then comes labor.  And then comes breastfeeding.  And then comes the crying.  And then comes no sleeping.

Why did I want this again?!?!?!

Oh yah…to be a mom.

So I shall endure this never ending pain of being in CONSTANT discomfort.  My body feels like it’s rapidly deteriorating down a shit spiral every day…but hey, that’s life right?  I can’t sit, lie down, stand, or walk for too long, otherwise parts of my body flare up in anger.  I wear a knee brace, a wrist brace, a belly and back brace…which of course is like slapping a band aid over a bullet hole.  I am forced to restrict my eating habits, and I need to walk/exercise three times a day in order to control my blood sugar.  I am constantly HUNGRY and I’m fucking pregnant…which basically equals to hangry times 10.

I sometimes walk like I’m 134 years old, I can’t see very far anymore, and random veins and growths pop up all over my body.  It’s like I’m aging in fast forward, whatthefak.  And I don’t even have a difficult pregnancy!!!  There’s so many other women who go through much worse!!

The things we do for our children, amiright?

 

My Stages of Pregnancy thus far has been…

First Trimester:

Second Trimester:

Third Trimester:

Diet always starts tomorrow

Ever since this long ass break from IVF, my blogs have been few and far between.  Since my life is uninteresting and mundane without my horrific medical procedures, there’s nothing significant to report on.  I’m still on hiatus from IVF…and when I will start back up again is a big fat TBD.

The only thing I’m currently working on is this god awful ketogenic diet that I have been on for two weeks.  And you ask…WHY are you on this diet?  Well, after watching a documentary on Netflix about this diet’s potential to “cure” diseases and such, I decided to try it.  Prior to starting this diet, I normally would binge eat every day and get stomach aches.  I thought hmm…maybe I should change what I’m eating so I don’t feel like shit all the time?  And maybe, just MAYBE, it’ll have a positive effect on my infertility and the many other 23 health issues I have.  It doesn’t hurt to try right?

But oh…it does hurt.  It hurts A LOT.

When you live on a diet of carbohydrates and sugar for 36 years, your body goes into shock when you quit eating those things cold turkey.  I’ve had headaches, fatigue, muscle aches and pains, cramping, ear ringing, sugar and carb cravings, itchy skin and MAJOR IRRITABILITY.

I have been hangry every fucking day, and my patience has been zero to nil.  Pretty sure I could star in the upcoming season 2 of Making a Murderer: Tales of the Ketogenic Diet.  But it’s now week three and I am adjusting to it….slowwwwwwwly.  My cravings for a fucking piece of bread hasn’t disappeared, but I have found ways around it.  Like making my own bread out of weird ass ingredients.  And every night I’ve been eating “healthy” ice cream, which probably isn’t good because it still has carbs and sugar in it.  But it’s been keeping me alive, like literally ALIVE.  And keeping my husband alive because I haven’t murdered him in his sleep yet.

Even though I constantly want to punch everyone in the face, I am getting better.  Really, I am.

As for my friends and family…I’m sorry in advance that you possibly have to deal with a raging carb-a-holic.  Be advised, if you shovel bread and cookies in front of my face, this WILL BE ME.  You have been forewarned.

 

 

On the fence…

I haven’t posted in a long time…but there really isn’t much to say.  We’ve been taking a break from the whole baby making shiz since our last fail in December.  Honestly, it’s been nice not having to deal with it.  No shots in the ass, no shoving pills down my throat…or in my vagina, no painful invasive devices that force open my cervix.  You can imagine that my vagina and body are truly loving this break.

The weird thing is though…the longer we stay on this break, the more my husband and I don’t want children.

I know having children is like, the best thing ever if you’re a parent, but man, you have to give up quite a lot for them.  Your life completely 180’s and has to revolve around your kids’ schedule.  Your time becomes THEIR time.  Do I want to wake up at 5:00 AM every morning?

Fuck no.  Do I want to pay out my asshole for school tuition?  Umm, nope.  Do I want to drive my child every weekend to soccer/dance/baseball/basketball/karate/hula practice??  No thanks.  So yes…we may be giving up sooner than anticipated.

And I know everyone says that once you stop trying, that’s when you’ll get pregnant.  But we’ve stopped trying for seven months…and N.O.T.H.I.N.G.  So don’t tell me that shit anymore.  You can only force nature so much.  If it’s not meant to be…then it’s not and we can finally move on.

I do have another three eggs in the freezer, but we both feel that the likelihood that a third IVF transfer works is slim to none.  So why even try?  Do we really want to throw another $5000 in the trash?  No.

My husband has already decided that he doesn’t want to try anymore…but I’m still hanging by a thread.  I don’t really want to waste any more time and money and my EMOTIONAL SANITY, but yet I don’t want to dump three potentially good eggs either.  And since we don’t want to keep paying to have my eggs frozen, we have this year to decide whether to try one last time, or just quit now.  And maybe get another dog instead.  Because you know FOR A FACT that it’s happening if we don’t end up having kids.  Siberian husky here I come.

And let’s be real here…I’m not even a kid person.  I’m a lot more inclined to adopt five kittens and three dogs and live my life managing their instagram pages.  Right?

Life, as explained by Michael Scott

Christmas is usually my favorite time of the year.  I love holidays and family gatherings and of course, getting presents.  But not this year.  This year was fucking shitty.  Like the, don’t talk to me, don’t touch me type of shitty.  I was miserable the entire time.

My uterus had murdered two more babies and I was literally, dead inside.  With two floating dead embryo babies being flushed out on Christmas day.

As I said in my previous post, meeting with the doctor did not help at all.

I was pissed off, confused, and just over the fucking bullshit.

I tried to be okay…forced myself to appear “normal” because this was the holiday season.  But I wasn’t okay.  Not in the least.

I thought I was downward spiraling into depression…as I couldn’t feel happiness anymore.  I felt as if a heavy presence was pushing down on my body.

This was the worst Christmas I ever had.

But now it’s the new year.  As as all the new year bullshit goes…it’s time to move forward and look towards a better future.  One that possibly will be childless.  And we are in the process of coming to terms with that.

I continue to research voodoo methods of getting pregnant, using essential oils and touching ancient rocks and all that…but the underlying thought about trying to get pregnant is…

It’s all bullshit.

I’ve drunk pomegranate juice and herbal tea, eaten pineapple, wore crystal beads, purchased golden fertility charms, placed rice under my bed, gotten blessed, did acupuncture, and suffered from resonant healing.  Other than sacrifice the blood of a baby unicorn underneath a full blue moon, I don’t know what else to do.

As of right now, I will be doing nothing.  We’re just going to try and enjoy being a family of three (including our fur-daughter Sophie) and get on with our lives.  The end.

WTF

After you have a failed IVF, you do a follow-up appointment with your doctor.  There’s a reason why the IVF world calls this appointment, The WTF Appointment.  First of all, you’re feeling like, what the fuck, why didn’t it work?  We did every fucking thing right, we paid all that fucking money….aaaaand we got nothing.  And then after the doctor responds and goes over your options, you’re like, WHAT. THE. FUCK.

I had my WTF appointment with my doctor this week.  And believe me, I wanted to rip some heads off.  The doctor laid out my three options:

1. Use a surrogate. Okay, so we’re already at this point then??  Fuck me.  Does anyone want to volunteer to be my surrogate for FREE???  Because I can’t afford to pay you.  No takers??  Yeah, okay, no.
2. Do a myomectomy. Which is a somewhat major uterine surgery where they slice open your stomach and uterus to remove uterine fibroids.  You must stay in the hospital for several days and you have a long recovery time.  Not to mention, it may cost $10,000 and you will have abdominal pain for awhile.  I currently have two uterine fibroids, but they are small, 2 centimeters large and they are not in my uterine cavity.  They are kind of half embedded in my uterine wall, and half hanging off the outside.  So my doctor doesn’t THINK it’s causing my infertility, but he can’t rule it out either.  Basically, I could do this surgery, but it might be unnecessary.  Plus, a myomectomy can cause scar tissue in the uterus, which could also interfere with implantation and increase the risk of miscarriage.  Uhhh…
3. Do a two-week, intensive round of antibiotics on my third IVF transfer. During a normal round of IVF, I take about 5 days worth of antibiotics before the transfer day.  With this new protocol, the antibiotics would be more intense and for a longer period of time.  But you might feel sick and nauseous with the stronger antibiotics.  The doctor says around 50% of women have bacteria in their uterus which could inhibit pregnancy…the antibiotics would help counter it.  Okay…if 50% of women have this issue, why wasn’t I given the stronger antibiotics in the first place??!  Why are we only talking about this now, after I’ve done this TWICE?!

At this point, my doctor is just grasping at straws. 

He said it’s unlikely for 3 normal, healthy embryos to have recurrent implantation failure.  Usually, in a healthy, normal person like me, it would have worked.  And he says again, it could be that the embryos just have something wrong with them…even though chromosomally they are good.  Or there’s an issue with the uterus.  Or the universe just wants to fuck me in the asshole once again.

Seriously.  I always feel worse after talking to the doctor.  Yet…he has this way of hanging that fucking carrot in front of your face.  Will it work if I take more antibiotics??  Would it work if I do the surgery??  Who fucking knows anymore.

Life is not a fairy tale

There are no such things as Christmas miracles.  The magic of Christmas does not exist.  And there is no Santa Claus.  Actually, Santa can go eat a big fat dick.

I have no words left to say about this.  I really thought this Christmas season would bring some good news.  But no…the universe has, once again, given me the middle finger.  So I have no hope left.  And there is really nothing anyone can say to make this any better.  I have zero fucks to give and I don’t need to hear it.  I know very well that life isn’t fair.  But does it always have to be a fucking bitch?

Unless you’ve experienced infertility, I doubt you could comprehend the chaotic and tumultuous emotions that you go through.  As an IVF newbie…you’re blissfully naive and ignorant to the fact that this only has a 30% chance of working.  Still…you believe.  The initial excitement, the feelings of HOPE, anticipation, and the positivity that THIS WILL WORK.

What. A. Fucking. Lie.

That dreaded phone call, that fucking phone call that I’ve experienced twice now.  Where the sadness is so palpable that you know what the news is without her even saying a word.  In a second your hopes and dreams shatter into a million pieces.  And your entire body feels numb, you’re in utter disbelief that this is happening to you, and then you just crumble to the floor.

In the end, when everything fails, all there is left is anger, frustration, and sadness. The future you took for granted, the one that almost everyone has…planning out the names of the two children you were going to have, what clothes you would buy, what schools they would attend, have now become one giant fucking question mark and you start to envision a different future.  One that you never planned, one that feels dark, empty, and pointless.

I’m not saying a childless life is not worth living.  I’m sure it is.  Well I hope it is because that is the path I’m currently on.  But I wonder…will there always be a piece of my soul missing…a constant void in my bitter heart?  Will I miss all those life changing experiences only a parent knows?  Will I be alone on my deathbed, with no one to take care of me?  I don’t know.  Maybe it’ll be different…but maybe it will be exactly that.

I spent today curled in the fetal position.  That was my day.  I thought it was going to be easier, being that this is my second time around.  No…it’s even harder.  This whole experience has been one shitty nightmare and I just need it to end.  I’m thankful for my husband and my Sophie…without them I would have slit my wrists a long time ago.  But for now…I’m done with babies.

4DP5DT

For those of you clueless to the IVF world, 4dp5dt means, 4 days past 5 day transfer…meaning…that I implanted a 5 day old embryo blastocyst and it’s been 4 days since my implantation.

Picture of my two embryos:

It’s actually a boy and a girl.  Bet you can guess which one is the boy…the one emerging LAST out of the cocoon while the girl is busy forming herself into a 5 month old fetus that talks already.

I’m currently in that two week wait for the second time in my life.  Which kind of feels like….you went ALL IN with your shitty poker hand and you’re waiting to see if you win…or you lose your $5000 bet.  For those of you that don’t know, the two week wait is the period after implantation where you wait until you take a blood test that either confirms a pregnancy OR confirms the fact that your uterus remains a nuclear wasteland.

A lot of people have been asking how I feel.  Well…I don’t feel all that great right now.  Because going through the dreaded two week wait is one long mindfuck.  Every symptom you experience, you feverishly google to see if it’s an “early pregnancy symptom.”  Which of course it is….or cancer.  Good old webmd tells me I’m about to die a horrible death every time I google a symptom.

Anyway…I’ve been feeling crampy twinges in my uterus.  It’s not painful, but I feel something.  And women who go through this always hope it’s the embryo attaching to the uterus.  But it could also be a symptom of progesterone shots.  So you really have no fucking clue what it is.  But your brain is constantly on red alert, analyzing every little thing you feel.

This is what’s been going on so far in my two week wait period:

Transfer day.  Spent the day resting at home, and coloring my IVF WTF coloring book!  You can buy it from Amazon here:  IVF WTF book.  Dick pics FTW.

1dp5dt.  Felt mostly normal.  Slight abdominal cramps.  Nothing out of the ordinary.

2dp5dt.  Tired with some crampy twinges in my uterus.

3dp5dt.  Lower back pain and crampy twinges in my uterus…along with a mini anxiety attack.  As I was falling asleep for the night, I woke up suddenly with what felt like a panic attack.  But just a minor one.  Then I experienced a hot flush all over my body.  I actually had to switch sides on the bed with my husband so that I could be directly in front of the AC.

4dp5dt.  A little upset stomach, not very hungry.  A bit restless.  Mid back pain now (which I know is no way related to pregnancy…I just have a shit back).  My skin feels a little tingly.  And my head feels weird…like fuzzy and on the verge of having a headache.  And I’m googling symptoms of course.  Which resulted in the internet telling me that I’m currently going through menopause.  Okay.

So…I don’t know what the hell is happening.  But it’s not fun.  I guess I just have to wait and see if I do hit that royal flush and win this fucking shit.  Or lose….again.

Stay updated with my Instagram page @IVFisabitch

Life is not about the destination…it’s about the journey to get there

I’ve never experienced a miscarriage before.  I’ve never had a D&C – dilation and curettage surgery before (where the cervix is dilated and they go into your uterus to scrape everything out).  I don’t know what it’s like to give birth to a stillborn child.  But I have experienced the loss of a [potential] baby.  And you ask anyone who has suffered from a failed IVF transfer…it’s the same thing.

Pregnancy loss is just that…the loss of a baby.  And even if your 5 day embryo blastocyst had no heartbeat and never physically attached to your uterus, that doesn’t mean we don’t experience the same level of hurt and grief.  And let me remind you, we just lost out on $12,000.  For some, it can be very financially heartbreaking as well.

For a lot of us, motherhood begins from the very first time you start taking hormone drugs.  Because this is the moment you start doing things for the life of someone else.  Do you think we WANT to shoot up hormones like acid crack cocaine?  No.  We do it in order to support the life of a child.  We literally sacrifice our asses for the benefit of keeping another human being alive.  Which is what parenting is all about, right?  Yes, I don’t know what it’s like to wake up every hour on the hour to feed a baby.  Or change a million diapers at 2:00 in the morning.  But I do know what it’s like to surrender your body and mind to do downright shitty things, just for the sake of a having a child.

So for everyone who already had their nipples fall off due to breastfeeding, just remember that I too, have had physically discomforting and emotionally exhausting things happen as well.  We all share the same pain.  Let’s not compare each other, and instead, support everyone going through the same thing.

Basically, stop being sensitive catty assholes and start being more supportive towards everyone who is just trying to be a parent.

We’re on the same fucking journey.